the less they contact me

the more they withhold their love

the less i can eat.

check mate

my world has suddenly been turned inside out. updside down.

seriously.

i had so much support with my weight loss just 2 days ago. people shouting victory with me when i dropped another size.

that was all lost with one enormous BITCHfest coming from the two most important supporters...my mother, and sister. both of them WERE the two most hated women in my life as of last year, given that they'd once again dumped me for years on end totally, completely, up and left my life saying i hate you don't ever talk to us again...

but then they returned fully apologetic vowing to never cut me off again.

so suddenly the other day they tell me to shut my mouth about my dieting. they don't want to hear anything about what i'm eating, how much i'm losing, if i've dropped a size...nothing. they say they feel threatened by it. scared for me.

ok, so my translation goes like this: we are going to make this a soap opera. a mountain out of a mole hill. cause we fucking LOVE our drama.

you're 160 lbs, and oooooooh that's scary. we're fat and jealous so we'll make a stink cause someone else knows how to handle their food.

IF you are developing an eating disorder like anorexia like when you were a bitty teenager, we'd rather you have JUST as shitty of odds of surviving KIM! you were secretive back then which UPPED the odds of you dying trifold, so you must understand that because you were talking so much about your diet now that messed things up! you had MUCH better odds of beating the illness SHOULD you develop it at all! but NO we NEED you to keep it all a SECRET! so please SHUT YOUR FUCKING MOUTH AT ALL COSTS AND DON'T SAY A WORD TO US BECAUSE THAT IS HOW YOU BECOME SICKER INSTANTLY!

ok...done.

you win.

scales and inches

are quickly becoming THE focal point of my life.

i've started playing this commander vs. grunt game with my body in the past few days...

body is the grunt and it must obey my mind. SO...when it becomes hungry it WILL wait for food until the hunger passes. period. it isn't fun, but it builds strength in body and mind.

this is all for one common goal: to NEVER reach that one hideous weight again before weight loss surgery. ever ever again. i can't ever get that fat again.

there are other factors in this diet too, it goes far, deep, and wide, psychologically, to be sure...but that's a biggy.

the down side...my body's saying a big FUCK you to me lately...heart is having decreased cardiac output last i was at NIH so they're bringing me back out there via plane this coming monday for four more days of testing. anxious. very.

fainting. very close to it, but haven't yet. used to be just had to bring my head down to my knees to resolve it for about ten seconds. now it's for about 3 MINUTES. and it's intense. goes completely black for a solid minute or two. legs get VERY weak. i'm pretty PISSED.

body is REALLY pissing me off. haven't lost NEAR enough weight for this kind of shit to be pulled! so gd pissed.

therapist has been going against confidentiality rules to talk to weight loss surgeon nurse and surgeon about my dieting. not cool. really wth...

they all have mentioned me going into an eating disorder hospital but ffs! i'm not even skinny!? i'd be the effing fat person there in the midst of a bunch of anorexics they all need to get an effing clue!

my life feels out of control in many ways, but by dieting slowly feels like i'm regaining some of that control.
more later to be sure.

for accountability reasons:
weight today: 167

... just--things on my mind ...

so, a brief recap of what started all of this big nervous breakdown shite:

5 years ago, i was wrongfully evicted from an apt. who said I had missed one rental payment TWO years prior to eviction, with never even a notice.

i spent a month'ish in a motel room, while kids stayed at a friend's house while i contemplated how i would afford a new place for kids and i with no gov't assistance, since once you've been evicted, you're no longer eligible for help. i only made 745 a month on disability. future looked bleak, at best.

decided to do the best thing for them, as much as it caused ineffable pain; traumatized me beyond anything ever has. and given my history, that's pretty bad.

i sent them to live with my 2nd husband (not their biological father), who then had to adopt them in order to do all the legal stuff, like school, medical, etc.

but they are much better off financially, and more stable in all ways.

two days later, after coming to nashville, hoping to run from the ordeal and pain, i arrive and brought home to this person's house where i would stay for the next year (another painful story, no need to talk about that), and was immediately told he got a call telling me my father ran his cessna into the side of a mountain, due to heavy wind and fog. though i personally think it was suicide. more on that later. i guess.

i lost everything--EVERYTHING... in a matter of days.

recently, i've found out, when ex got new birth certificates for kids, he left the part that says natural mother, UN-NAMED.

i'm no longer on either of my kids' birth certificates. i'm no longer a verified, bonafide mother as law would have it.

fast forward: son goes into the army in 6ish months. should something happen to him, i will NOT be notified, as i'm nowhere on the birth cert.

i'm non-existent. when the kids had to go, it ripped my spirit to shreds. now this.

it's always a hard thing to talk about my kids now, at church, etc ... with all of this baggage. so i often don't bring them up. i'm very sorry if they read this, i just don't know how to deal with it yet. it has crushed me. ripped my heart out.

daughter keeps in contact with me. often. sometimes every day.

son, on the other hand, has seemed to meld into his 'new family' and has been conditioned to think i'm less than. less than ... what? less of a mother that i should have been? less than he needs? i call him on occasion, but it's always strange; off... awkward. he always says he'll call me next. step-mother has admitted to talking badly about me. so it's not something up for debate. it has happened.

he NEVER does. until presents time comes up: xmas, birthday, graduation.

this, again, is ripping me to shreds. i'm so lucky to have pierre in my life, best friend i've EVER had. keeps the whole thing logical for me, gives me balance and perspective when i feel i'm literally at the end of my rope... the pain...

son's graduation comes up june 2nd. he says it's important to him that i come, though he never calls... pain... i'm fortunate enough to have pierre coming to visit from sweden, so i don't have to handle this on my own.

more later. before i fall apart.

thank you for reading ...

Diddley Doo!

So much on my mind this morning.

Probably an overdose of caffeine.

Or something...

Things I need or want to do within the very near future :

1) Housing inspections start on Monday and my house is ridiculously cluttered and generally in disarray and it HAS to get done by Sunday eve! Not quite sure where to start and it's overwhelming me to the point where I'd rather just take a sludge hammer to my head. Really.

2) I want to volunteer. But not just any volunteer. With the sick or dying. This is because I know it will help me appreciate my life more. And I know I'd want the same for me if I were ill. Just to provide company, do errands, write letters for them, read to them, etc.

3) I want to start school. But I'm totally clueless still, because I want it to be something I'm excited to get up for every day. Something I'm in love with.

4) I want and need to start al-anon meetings again. My social anxiety is hindering this as well as the umph to just get out and drive there.

5) I want/need to start going to this Unitarian Universalist church here largely because I need some real life friends, and the Buddhist meeting I went to didn't seem like they have 'stuff' they gather for in fun and community/friendship kinda stuff. I desperately need connections with people.

6) I want and kinda need to practice applying make-up again; it's been forever that I was in the habit of doing it every day, and I look a million times better with it fully applied. But alas, I'm very out of practice.

There's more, just slipping my mind at the moment...

Must also get myself into a shower/get dressed/apply make-up routine for every day and make a calendar of things to clean on certain days of the week; I'd probably feel much better once I do this.

So...what first?

This goddammmm apartment before inspection on Monday! Well, it could be any day starting Monday, as they do it randomly, but omg where to start in here?

Soooo overwhelmed!

God, I'm close to paying someone to come in and help. But who do I call?

Ghostbusters?

Hrmph.

HALP!

1)What will I wear on the plane.
1a) Can't be too cold or hot.
1b) Mustn't be too tight on belly or restroom issues.
1c) Must be FIGURE FLATTERING. ha!

2) Must buy gift wrap, bows, tags, cards, send off and hand deliver prezzies!

3) Check wardrobe as I KNOW I'm missing key elements...such as not having ONE pair of undies that fit me right anymore much LESS shexy ones.!

4) Go to bank, check how card will work in Sweden.

5) Buy thermal underwears!

6) TBC!

what, who, why, help?

I've lost everyone important to me. Sans a few that will vanish soon like all the others have.

I'm floating in space here. Detached from everyone--or is it they've detached from me.

I'm toxic. I'm the one people talk about when they say they need to cut off unhealthy, toxic ties--for fear it will affect their lives negatively.

My son despises me, partially due to brainwashing from ex and his wife. But bottom line, if I were worth loving, it would over-ride anything they do or say.

When I chose to divorce mom and sister, they turned it around on me right before I could, and told me how they needed me out of THEIR life. So now, I can't make heads nor tails who dumped who and who needs the help more.

But only my sister seeks help; and even when she goes to him, she relies heavily on her physical ailment to sidestep any issues she may have to claim as her own, as she's FRAGILE physically and what therapist would make it worse, right? So he tells her what she wants to hear: it's all sis's fault.

Mom makes every excuse as to why therapy can't happen for her yet. And when she's having a half-sane moment and does talk to me she tells me how she truly wishes she could 'afford' therapy *cough* my ass--so she could have a better relationship with me.

My daughter calls me when she's desperate and needs just anyone to talk to seems I may be at the bottom of some long list--or when she needs SOMETHING. A car. whatever.

I had one local friend here in Trashville, but am pretty sure I was a pet project for her--her mother committed suicide when she was 11 and I think she was just trying to keep that from replaying itself out via myself.

Because I don't hear from her anymore, either.

I have Pierre. Pierre is in Sweden. We've talked for 5 years almost 6, and are due to finally meet Dec. 20th, in Sweden. I'm getting closer and closer to chickening out. This is just another relationship that will somehow become destroyed. Somehow.

I'm strangled with pain tonight.

I've lost so much and much of what I think about is how I wish I could get aggressive cancer so that I go quickly, and that it wasn't suicide. Would be much less painful for the kids. Though as I said I even doubt their true love for me anymore.

I've no reason to go to Sweden any longer.

And no reason to live.

I'm tired.

I'm sick.

I'm done.